How Do I Unhook This Damn Bra: Man Evolving Backwards.

As Valentine’s Day rolls around, WikiAnswers users tend to submit a surge of love questions on the site. Not so much related to romance as one would think – after all, love is abstract, subjective and at best, indefinable… The questions are more closely related to the physical acts of love – or to put it less eloquently – ‘making out’ with someone for the first time.

One of the most popular questions asked was: How do you unhook a bra? Bra-unhooking skillz have been greatly sought after for centuries. Ah, the difficulties associated with bras have stumped Nobel laureates as well as celebrities. Knights as well as nerds. Even Casanova understood the immense learning curve involved.

So many will attempt this feat and fail miserably; a feat that can make any man, however confident, become a nervous pile of JELLO.

So how is it that apes and monkeys, with less developed opposable thumbs (and many lacking prehensile abilities all together) are more capable of grooming, grasping, and engaging in mating rituals than the more ‘evolved’ bipedal hominid, known as Man?

I found the answer when I came across a question in the Animal Behavior category: Why do monkeys groom each other? The answer had to do with hygiene. Simply put, monkeys groom each other because they can’t take showers. The cleaning of ticks and mites is a survival skill. A skill that eventually developed into a loving courtship ritual. The fact that a monkey can remove a mite the size of a poppy seed from between two fine hairs while a man can’t pop open a bra strap might be a consequence of our reliance on modern technology.

The opposable thumb has helped the human species develop fine motor skills, precision and accuracy. It is also thought to have directly led to the development of tools; why smelt an iron lock to your door when you can buy one at Ace Hardware? Why carve a candlestick and fix the flint in your oil lamp when you can ‘clap on’ the lighting? Our dependence on modern gadgetry has led to the demise of our once specialized and dexterous abilities.

Man is reminded of this only in extreme moments, when his life – and ability to reproduce – are in jeopardy. So for every man who has been humbled by this timeless test of nature, I lay before you the instructions on how to unhook a bra:

How to Unhook a Bra

First you need to understand the enemy- The BRA.
The main problem is that bras are almost always similar but never exactly the same.
The second problem is the issue of being obvious; it’s difficult to smoothly transition from first to second base when you are body wrestling an undergarment. You don’t want to kiss the girl and 1 second later dive under her shirt double handed- this makes you too eager, too much of a player and unromantic…and puts your make-out session in jeopardy!

The only real way to unhook a bra is with ONE HAND (the other hand is used to softly run your fingers through her hair, caress her face ever so gently, and make her feel like your goal is to appreciate her and not get with her…
Another benefit is that this buys you time- if you experience bra-unhooking-difficulty just keep your first hand caressing her while your second hand has time to try and try again as you encounter failure…

The following are the 4 most common scenarios:

1. Back Hook Bra
Feel for the thicker piece of fabric in the back, then the metal clasps (there might be 1, 2 or 3 rows) squeeze the two ends together, increasing tension and with a quick jolt the bra should snap to one side.. and pop open

2. Front Hook Bra
These usually have a single clasp that snap up/down and then together. Feel for the clasp- squeeze the hard piece of plastic/metal so it bends outward/inward and push up/down… there are many directions the clasp can go- just be patient and try all options

3. Sports Bra
If there is no clasp in the front/back and you feel the straps cross in the back you have found yourself with a sports bra- lucky you! Pull it off like an undershirt

4. No Bra – No problem (OK, to be fair most monkeys only encounter situation 4 – yet I still wouldn’t place all my bets with Man for scenarios 1,2,3.)

With practice any man can turn into the Bill Gates of Bra-unhooking. The key is to continually adapt to the changing form of the bra – predator and prey.

For those of you with determination I wish you much luck in this endeavor.

And for the others… please read on – ‘How to unbuckle a belt…’